Hokay

May. 5th, 2006 03:25 am
bazolomew: (child)
So things have been crazy crazy 'round these parts.

First off, War Games was a blast. What could be more fun than hunting your Brothers down with supersoakers filled with Rit dye all over campus? I'll tell you what... joining forces with a supposed enemy team to take out the red team because Austin, Weeden, D, CanDance, and Andy all got put on the same team. My team, the blue team, AKA Team America, ended up winning... but it was really close. Plus I got to pretend I was Dean for a day... though that was all in my head because I'm a crazy obsessed psycho. I did get to meet and have fun with Brothers and Sisters from Akron, Ashland, and one other place (I'm having a brain fart) which was fun, and going to Mindy's house afterwards was a blast.

The only problem: Elyse's mother died unexpectedly.

So the fun that I had made me feel guilty for having it in the first place. My heart goes out to Elyse.

So then, I stay up half the night Sunday, to be awakened at 11am Monday morning by 4 phone calls. I ignore the first 3, trying desperately to get back to sleep, and then answer the 4th and talk to [personal profile] soulless_lover for a couple hours. We hang up and I'm messing around on the internet by then, when I get another phonecall, which I answer this time. It's my mother's boss. My mom's in the ER with chest pains. I'm in shock for about 30 minutes before I get in my car and drive up to her workplace to get her purse and stuff, then lose it in the car when I drive to the hospital. I pull myself back together enough that I can ask the clerk where she is, run down to the ER, ask again, and get taken to see her. 

Seeing your mother in a cart bed on oxygen when she was perfect the day before is a humbling experience.

I fucking lost it. I was sobbing. She managed to tell me that she was ok, she wasn't in pain, and all the tests were coming back showing that she was in good health. But I'd just played out what would happen if my mom were to die in my head, and couldn't stop the repeats of how I'd have lost both my parents before my 21st birthday and everything that I would need to do to take care of things.... selling the house, finding a place for the dog, deciding what to do with the car, deciding what to do with all her stuff... and all without her or anyone else (except my brother who has his own life) to help me. I don't know how she did it when Dad died... but then again, both Dad's parents were still alive to help. I'd have no one. 

She transferred to Akron General so that her personal doctor could see her, and they kept her overnight for observation. It turned out that everything looked ok, and the chest pains were probably just acid reflux disease, so that's good, but it still made me realize that my mom's getting up there.... and I would be devastated if she died. I wouldn't know what to do with myself. She is my rock- she's the only one I can take advice from, she helps me in everyway possible, she keeps me sane and on the right track. She's done everything for me and to think that someday I'm going to lose her.... I can't deal with it.

I've learned that I've been dealing with my depression by covering it up and denying it from existing. The reason why I have no drive in life is because I'm afraid to live it. I don't want to grow up, I don't like change and I wish everything could just stay right here right now. I hide my emotions by getting obsessed with things and becoming other people. I have only 1 thing that I know for absolute that I want and that is a family. And I want my mother to know my family and help me and give me advice. The problem is that requires a man/husband and I'm rather far off from finding one of those.

So after the whole mother being in the hospital thing, I get a call from [personal profile] soulless_lover again, who's stressing about her apartment. I told her I'd be able to come and help, but when I got back from the hospital I was really stressed and just wanted to play as Dean for a while, especially since it was Sammy's birthday (May 2nd). So I got on with [profile] pet_23 and we played... and it became 10:30pm and I was like... well if em wants me to come she'll call me... and then I get a IM from Ash saying that em's tried calling me like 5 times but wasn't getting thru... and I realize my phone was still off from when I was in the hospital. So I feel totally guilty and she asks me to come and I realized I had class... but I decide I can blow off my last class and help her clean up her apartment, so I drove up to Grafton at 11pm and helped her do her dishes until we collasped at about 4am.

Wednesday was spent watching her get her hair re-done for 5 hours before rushing back, grabbing laundry and rushing to the laundromat before it closed. We did 6 heavy duty garbage bags plus a hamper full of clothes in 1 hour using 1 50 lb. washer, 2 35 lb. ones, and 4 15 lb. ones... plus about 8 dryers. We got it all done and went back and folded it until 2am, then I finished the dishes at 4am again. Then we fell asleep and we got up and did diddly (aka read Lenore comics) until 3:30pm when she had to go to work. I came back to Kent with the intention of playing as Dean because he'd been ACHING to come back out, and got put on hold because I forgot I was going to go help usher at a concert. So I quick drove to the auditorium, ushered for 5 minutes, hugged MA and wished her good luck at her last performance, and then rushed home, hoping to catch my mom so we could look at houses together.... but I'd missed her.

Luckily, a package from [profile] pet_23 had come in the mail, so I whipped it open, loved the note, and shoved the DVD of interviews she had made me into my DVD player.... then almost chucked it out the window when it didn't work. (My dad bought the first DVD player on the market... cost $300, and doesn't even play burnt DVDs) Sooo I went to my mom's computer instead... but she doesn't have a DVD program for viewing. So I tried to download a free one.... but my options were limited because she still hasn't upgraded from Windows 98. But I finally managed to find one, install it, and watched 3 interviews with Jensen and Jared, then an interview with Christian Kane (cuz he's HOT and I love Petpet), then a shit load of SPN vids before it was 9pm and SPN was on.


*takes deep breath*

And I totally did not realize how crazy!obsessed!fangirl I was before this fandom. I've NEVER been this crazy about a show until now... and I think it's because of the timing in my life. 

But that's another discussion for another time because this post is insanely long and has so far taken 1 hour to write.

In closing... if anyone has the combination to the trunk, or the usernames and passwords to the laptop on the official website for Supernatural... please tell me because I'm DYING to get in there... and I thought I had the combo but I totally didn't. Dad's journal was a blast to read tho. Ok... sleep time. Good night!
bazolomew: (Default)
I promise I won't fuck my post over this time.

Watch me not do it.

Heh..

Anyway...

So I'm happy that I finished the Slideshow for the Band Banquet which happens to be tomorrow. That relieves me tonnes. Now I just have to figure out how to get everyone's pictures back to them... but that's ok.

I also have to finish reading The Color Purple by monday at 1pm so I have an hour to type up a three-part thesis about three interesting things about it for my final paper in English 10002.

In other news, I got my doctor to prescribe me anti-anxiety pills for flying, so that I don't have nervous breakdowns before/during flight. I also bought my tickets, so I am officially going to see Daddy... which makes me happy. I'm especially excited because he said he'd get his webcam hooked back up so pet and emily can watch... which embarasses the hell out of me in a completely kinky good way! :)

Now I just have to forget about the fact that I won't be by the window during the flight back... (I had a panic attack the one time I wasn't by a window when I flew a couple years ago... I've managed to be by one ever since. I think I don't like the idea of not being able to see the ground.) But with the pills, hopefully I'll be fine.

I bought a dress today... my third ever in my life. Yay for being "feminine". Plus it actually was slightly fun to try on dresses with my other friends... I've never really gone to the mall with a bunch of friends before. Yay for growing up.

I've been thinking about how much I feel kinda bad about using my blog for a journal of my life, while everyone else uses it for fun things like manips or stories or something. Maybe it's just because I'm in college and have no free time to write stories anymore... or maybe it's because I never really felt my ones were all that good... or maybe I just lost my writing muse... but the thought of writing a fanfic right now just seems more like a chore than fun. And that's slightly sad.

I hate school. I wish I could go on a permanent break. The only reason I'm still in it is because of my friends, the fraternity, and band. I really don't want to go on with my major. I'm so lazy... and I could probably get a job doing what I want without a college degree. I only ever came to college in the first place because of the expectations of my parents, and because of peer pressure. I have no real desire to do work... and I'm hurting myself in the long run by not taking things seriously so my permanent GPA is low.

Did I mention that I'm in a crappy mood?

Oh well. Yay for another long ramble about my depressedness. I'm starting to think that I need to go back on my anti-depressants since my life has taken a turn for the lonely and depressing.

Time to get back happy again...

I am happy that I saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire twice in the first 24 hours it was released... I'm not a geek... and it blew my socks off. Other than the GAPING HOLES they left in it... it really was very entertaining and kept true to the story in most respects. The things they chaged, they only did in the interest of time, and they changed it WELL instead of making up something dumb. (Movie 1: Hagrid gives Norbert to DUMBLEDORE?!?! HOW did he not lose his job?!?! Movie 3: "WAAAHHH HE KILLED MY PARENTS I'M GONNA CRY ABOUT IT IN THE SNOW!!!!") Overall I was very impressed with it, and I hope that Mike Newell does the next ones as well. Unlike the third movie, which was just dark and depressing, the fourth was darker when it NEEDED to be, and very funny when the audience needed a little relief. Plus the ending... OMG hearing a 15 year old boy sobbing his heart out made me follow suit in spades! (how's that for a mixed metiphor? ;) )

Yay for HP... always cheers me up :)

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