bazolomew | Entries tagged with mom

Hallo.

I'm at my mom's house right now for the holiday season and it's going pretty well. I hate flying and the flight here was no disappointment- there was Star Trek level turbulence the entire way. The only good part was breaking through the clouds in Cleveland and seeing everything again, covered in snow but still recognizable. I missed my home state.

Christmas Eve went nicely with seeing everyone again. I missed my friends so much and got a bit too drunk at our annual Christmas Eve Bar reunion, giving me a hangover yesterday, but it didn't last all day. Seeing the family again was lovely as well and I got to play a bunch of new board and card games with them. Then, after Mom got tired and I drove her home, I went back over to Ben's and finished my character for a Warhammer 40k Dark Heresy game that Sean has decided to run for the next week.

I missed gaming with them SOoooo much. It was fantastic. Supposedly they want to attempt to play over Vent when we all go back to our respective home states, which I hope works out. I'm worried that me being 3 hours behind everyone will be too inconvenient, but we'll see.

In other news, they've pretty much convinced me to start up playing World of Warcraft again. I think I may buy it and see if I really want to stick with it again or not. Mostly I would just be playing for them though, and once again, if the time difference didn't work out, I'd probably drop it again.

I'm here for the next week and have plans to continue gaming with my friends, as well as a couple meetings with Fraternity Brothers, besides watching Doctor Who with my Mom. She's in the middle of the second season and I hope to make it at least to the end of the third by the time I leave. She is a fan of Captain Jack as much as I am and I want to watch her reaction to the end of Last of the Time Lords in person. We just watched Doctor Who At The Proms together, and though she hasn't seen Season 5 yet, it was wonderful to watch it with her. I'm planning on watching the Christmas Episode either tonight or tomorrow with my friends, but just haven't gotten to it yet.

So yes, this is my happy feel-good positive things post! Yay for being home and being with my friends again. They're like a warm blanket I can wrap myself up in.

Current Mood: cheerful

I'm obsessed. I know.

I finished Origins on Tuesday after a good 2 day marathon of playing, just in time for the expansion, Awakening, to come out. I promptly bought it and started playing it last night.

( Dragon Age Nerdgasm, Plot-Spoiler Free )

In other news my Mother came through her surgery well, though she really can't walk. She's getting around the house in an old wheelchair and hopping on one foot with a walker, and I've found that taking care of her is not so bad.

It's taking care of her damn dog that needs to go out every 15 minutes that's fucking annoying. But I'm just glad she's doing well. To bounce back from surgery like she is at her age is a good thing.

Current Mood: bored

( Moving, Mother, and Mre-adjusting. (What? I'm trying to keep the alliteration going...) )

( Long diatribe on the benefits and negatives of renewing my World of Warcraft account )

I'm glad to be posting again. I forgot how much it de-stresses me to write everything down that I have jumbled in my head. Now if only I were to arrive at conclusions instead of more questions... perhaps I should work on that.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: My Friend, The Dictionary - 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

So things have been crazy crazy 'round these parts.

First off, War Games was a blast. What could be more fun than hunting your Brothers down with supersoakers filled with Rit dye all over campus? I'll tell you what... joining forces with a supposed enemy team to take out the red team because Austin, Weeden, D, CanDance, and Andy all got put on the same team. My team, the blue team, AKA Team America, ended up winning... but it was really close. Plus I got to pretend I was Dean for a day... though that was all in my head because I'm a crazy obsessed psycho. I did get to meet and have fun with Brothers and Sisters from Akron, Ashland, and one other place (I'm having a brain fart) which was fun, and going to Mindy's house afterwards was a blast.

The only problem: Elyse's mother died unexpectedly.

So the fun that I had made me feel guilty for having it in the first place. My heart goes out to Elyse.

So then, I stay up half the night Sunday, to be awakened at 11am Monday morning by 4 phone calls. I ignore the first 3, trying desperately to get back to sleep, and then answer the 4th and talk to

soulless_lover for a couple hours. We hang up and I'm messing around on the internet by then, when I get another phonecall, which I answer this time. It's my mother's boss. My mom's in the ER with chest pains. I'm in shock for about 30 minutes before I get in my car and drive up to her workplace to get her purse and stuff, then lose it in the car when I drive to the hospital. I pull myself back together enough that I can ask the clerk where she is, run down to the ER, ask again, and get taken to see her.

Seeing your mother in a cart bed on oxygen when she was perfect the day before is a humbling experience.

I fucking lost it. I was sobbing. She managed to tell me that she was ok, she wasn't in pain, and all the tests were coming back showing that she was in good health. But I'd just played out what would happen if my mom were to die in my head, and couldn't stop the repeats of how I'd have lost both my parents before my 21st birthday and everything that I would need to do to take care of things.... selling the house, finding a place for the dog, deciding what to do with the car, deciding what to do with all her stuff... and all without her or anyone else (except my brother who has his own life) to help me. I don't know how she did it when Dad died... but then again, both Dad's parents were still alive to help. I'd have no one.

She transferred to Akron General so that her personal doctor could see her, and they kept her overnight for observation. It turned out that everything looked ok, and the chest pains were probably just acid reflux disease, so that's good, but it still made me realize that my mom's getting up there.... and I would be devastated if she died. I wouldn't know what to do with myself. She is my rock- she's the only one I can take advice from, she helps me in everyway possible, she keeps me sane and on the right track. She's done everything for me and to think that someday I'm going to lose her.... I can't deal with it.

I've learned that I've been dealing with my depression by covering it up and denying it from existing. The reason why I have no drive in life is because I'm afraid to live it. I don't want to grow up, I don't like change and I wish everything could just stay right here right now. I hide my emotions by getting obsessed with things and becoming other people. I have only 1 thing that I know for absolute that I want and that is a family. And I want my mother to know my family and help me and give me advice. The problem is that requires a man/husband and I'm rather far off from finding one of those.

So after the whole mother being in the hospital thing, I get a call from

soulless_lover again, who's stressing about her apartment. I told her I'd be able to come and help, but when I got back from the hospital I was really stressed and just wanted to play as Dean for a while, especially since it was Sammy's birthday (May 2nd). So I got on with

pet_23 and we played... and it became 10:30pm and I was like... well if em wants me to come she'll call me... and then I get a IM from Ash saying that em's tried calling me like 5 times but wasn't getting thru... and I realize my phone was still off from when I was in the hospital. So I feel totally guilty and she asks me to come and I realized I had class... but I decide I can blow off my last class and help her clean up her apartment, so I drove up to Grafton at 11pm and helped her do her dishes until we collasped at about 4am.

Wednesday was spent watching her get her hair re-done for 5 hours before rushing back, grabbing laundry and rushing to the laundromat before it closed. We did 6 heavy duty garbage bags plus a hamper full of clothes in 1 hour using 1 50 lb. washer, 2 35 lb. ones, and 4 15 lb. ones... plus about 8 dryers. We got it all done and went back and folded it until 2am, then I finished the dishes at 4am again. Then we fell asleep and we got up and did diddly (aka read Lenore comics) until 3:30pm when she had to go to work. I came back to Kent with the intention of playing as Dean because he'd been ACHING to come back out, and got put on hold because I forgot I was going to go help usher at a concert. So I quick drove to the auditorium, ushered for 5 minutes, hugged MA and wished her good luck at her last performance, and then rushed home, hoping to catch my mom so we could look at houses together.... but I'd missed her.

Luckily, a package from

pet_23 had come in the mail, so I whipped it open, loved the note, and shoved the DVD of interviews she had made me into my DVD player.... then almost chucked it out the window when it didn't work. (My dad bought the first DVD player on the market... cost $300, and doesn't even play burnt DVDs) Sooo I went to my mom's computer instead... but she doesn't have a DVD program for viewing. So I tried to download a free one.... but my options were limited because she still hasn't upgraded from Windows 98. But I finally managed to find one, install it, and watched 3 interviews with Jensen and Jared, then an interview with Christian Kane (cuz he's HOT and I love Petpet), then a shit load of SPN vids before it was 9pm and SPN was on.

( Spoilers for Supernatural )

*takes deep breath*

And I totally did not realize how crazy!obsessed!fangirl I was before this fandom. I've NEVER been this crazy about a show until now... and I think it's because of the timing in my life.

But that's another discussion for another time because this post is insanely long and has so far taken 1 hour to write.

In closing... if anyone has the combination to the trunk, or the usernames and passwords to the laptop on the official website for Supernatural... please tell me because I'm DYING to get in there... and I thought I had the combo but I totally didn't. Dad's journal was a blast to read tho. Ok... sleep time. Good night!

Current Mood: cranky
Current Location: My computer
Current Music: background music from official SPN website

So I havn't updated since I got back mostly becuase it's been crazy busy here, and I've been lazy.

I got home fine. I finished the Star Wars book. Can't remember the real title so I'll make one up. The Dark Lord: The Rise of Darth Vader. Or whatever. Something like that.

Had Christmas Eve massaging soulless_lover 's shoulder cuz she hurt it moving, and then drank and watched Vampire Hunter D. Good movie that.

Left early in the morning to drive home to Mom's house, got there before my brother even woke up so I got to spend an hour trying to stay awake before pressies. Opened a BUNCH of stuff I needed for the apartment, I heart my mommy. Then went over to my brother's girlfriend's family's house, and had a blast. They're such nice people. I heart them. They've said I'm part of the family, which makes me feel really nice.

In fact, the next day I went back over to their house, without my brother or my mom to help them eat left-overs, and had another really good time.

Then I moved on the 27th and the 28th. That was crazy. I learned that moving even 1 room by myself is impossible. I'm not strong so I had to move EVERY box and item BY ITSELF, which meant TONS of trips up and down stairs and in and out of doors. It took me forever. I finally gave up and moved about half of it then waited until the next day when my mom helped me with the rest and it went about 2939582456 times faster.

On the 29th I set up my apartment and spent about $150 dollars on other needed things, and then yesterday, my mom and I went kitty adopting. We went to the APL in our county, and I found the most adorable little female kitten... she was so cute and had just been spayed so I would have had to take special care of her.... but then was DENIED HER because I wasn't twenty-fucking-one yet. FUCKING AGE DISCRIMINATION STIKES AGAIN. You would THINK that a place that is OVERRUN with cats would LOVE to get rid of another one to a good loving home... BUT NO. Apparently I'm not mature enough to have a kitten. At 20 years of age, I can die for my fucking country, but I can't adopt a kitten.

I left the APL almost in tears, then almost got into an accident because my saddness changed into anger.

After I calmed down, my mom suggested calling the Humane Society in the county next to us and seeing what their age limit was. We called. They adopt out to 18 year olds, but they had no kittens. However, they gave us the name of 6 other agencies. I called 1, and they not only adopt out to 18 year olds, but they also had kittens! We drove over there, and I fell in love with not one, but TWO kittens.

They're brothers, both about 10 weeks old, both neutered, and both gone through all shots and tests except for 1, which the place will do for free in the middle of January. The one is grey with black tiger stripes, and I named him Bailey, and the other is black and white, and I named him Drake. I love them soooo much.

Last night they were getting to know me, and today they weren't as afraid of me anymore. However, I almost had a heart attack because Drake found a crevace under my heater that I didn't even know existed... and he got stuck! He couldn't go forward to get out, so my mom helped me by rigging up a little battering ram out of a washcloth and a rod, and he managed to nudge him from the front. Luckily he was able to reverse his way out of the crevace, and we got him out. I had a bit of a nervous breakdown once he was in my arms, and I think I may have scared him a bit because he seemed a little more shy of me than usual.

However, it's gotten better in recent hours and he's now about back to normal. Except that now they get to stay locked in my kitchen until my mom and I rig up a way to keep the crevace closed. That'll be tomorrow hopefully.

It's kinda odd. Now that I'm living by myself, I'm seeing more of my mother than when we lived together. I wonder if that's typical, or strange. Oh well. I love my mother. And my kitties. And my apartment... though I'm still very nervous that I might start to hate it after a while.

I'm consumed with worry about that and the kittens. I'm so scared that I'm going to turn out to be a horrible owner. That I'll start to neglect them like I neglect myself... or my friends. I've never been good with committment... and now I committed myself to about 20 years of full time responsibility. I'm so afraid I'm going to hurt them.

That's what most of my breakdown was about really. The fact that I had let my baby kitty get into harm while I was washing dishes. The fact that I was only thinking about 1 need of mine, when now I HAVE to worry about lots of things all at once. I don't know if I'll be able to handle the kittens, school, having a Little in the Fraternity, and possibly a job all at once. The problem is that the only thing I can afford to not do is the Little... and I really don't want to give that up. I mean, I'm spending SO much money... so I need a job, and I HAVE to continue school or else I can't do the Fraternity and I'd have no real reason for existance... and I HAVE to take care of the kittens because no one else can. My mom's allergic to them and so is everyone else... plus I can't take them back to the shelter.

I'm just nervous, stressed, and scared at the moment. And the biggest problem is that it's still fricking "vacation". Maybe once school starts again, I'll have a better idea of how much I've really bit off, and try to decide how much I can chew. I just hate all this anticipation when I know I should be sitting back and relaxing. I suppose that I'll only be able to relax once I'm out of school... which unfortunately isn't going to be anytime soon.

And this upcoming semester was supposed to be my "blow off" semester. Ha.