bazolomew

I would just like to take this moment to say that after looking at pictures of Christian Kane that I had 1) already seen and saved and 2) are pretty old, I now want to fuck him again. Is that sad?

And I can't stop listening to him.

That and the RENT soundtrack. But the strange thing is... with the RENT soundtrack I keep imagining Jensen singing for Mark. I mean... I picture him. In the stripey sweater and the scarf and the camera. And it makes me want to fuck him even more.

By my declaration: Jensen needs to do a musical.

Oh and Alumni Band is tomorrow... and it's like 30 degrees outside. Oh well. It'll be fun. Hopefully we'll win. I spent 12 hours getting ready 45 flip folders for them today, but I managed to get it done. I love not having work. But I wish I got paid more than $150 for being band librarian cuz I seriously put more work into it than I did my ex-job.

Oh and February 23-25 2007 will mostly likely be the date of the Sam (Pet) and Dean (me) Roadtrip from Clearfield to Chicago. With a hopeful detour to Michigan to pick up killerweasel to go and see Christian and Jared at a horror!con. Not that I like horror, but I like cons... and I want to touch CK and JP like my life depends on it. Now if only they would talk Jensen into going.... my life would be complete.

So. Computers are BITCHES. My new one came in the mail, yay for that. But I set it all up made sure it fit on my table so I can run them both at the same time so i can transfer data (because my CD burner on my old computer apparently doesn't work anymore) and turned the new sucker on.... and it shows the "Loading Windows XP" screen, then the screen goes black and nothing I try makes it show anything. I get to wait until this weekend when my brother visits for help.

So now I'm having problems with my new one while my old one slowly dies more everyday. Today my Paint Shop program refused to work properly... it only opened about 1/3 of the buttons and applications within the program and wouldn't let me save or open anything other than jpgs. Plus "save" was the only selection I could make. My computer wouldn't let me see any picspams on LJ today, and AIM was having problems not committing fatal errors every 15 minutes. Then when I was trying to read fics, my mouse scroll decided to set itself to "page back" instead of "scroll down" so everytime I tried to scroll, I ended up 2 or 3 webpages previous. And if I tried to click on something, it would highlight everything up to where I clicked, instead of me just left-clicking. And to make my life SO MUCH EASIER, I accidentally dumped my bottle of water all over my keyboard, which was interesting because the only thing that would work after that point was the keyboard shortcut for "calculator" (which i didn't even know existed) that would randomly pop itself up about 7 or 8 times while I was trying to sop up water from the floor and wasn't even looking at it, let alone touching anything. 

Isn't technology wonderful?

In other news I went to pet_23's house last weekend and we watched a whole bunch of Dark Angel (OMG is Jensen HOTT in that), a few clips from Jensen in Smallville, New York Minute (Jared shirtless then in see-thru white shirt=lust), some interesting fanvids (RPS fanvids are much more fun and much less squicky than they sound), and a behind the scenes of House of Wax thing. (Jared's so Cuuuuute). We also read some fic together and nearly pissed ourselves laughing about random shit because when I havn't slept in 23 hours and drove for 4 I get crazy slap-happy at 6am. We also spent 2 hours looking at pictures of Jared and Jensen, and I completely stole the mouse and played Zoom In On Jensen's Pointy Nipples for a good 3/4 of it. Damn does that man have pointy nipples that you can see through nearly any shirt he wears. I also had fun zooming in on pictures of Jensen's open mouth. Like I said: Slap-happy.

She burned me 2 new CDs of SPN related music, and then I came back home and watched a West Wing with my mom before coming back home home and reading porn until 5am, then sleeping until 8am when I had to get up for work. 

I've pre-ordered SPN Season 1 from amazon.com, yay. And I'm seriously considering going to Nashville for the first ever Winchestercon in October. I'm not sure yet, because it's alot of money and an 8 hour drive from my house which I don't think I could do by myself. I checked flights and it would be over $100 for a roundtrip ticket (which isn't too much honestly, but more than I'm willing to pay on top of hotel and convention fees) I just don't know if it would even out with gas prices being what they are. Right now it's about $40 a tank, and if it takes 3/4 a tank to drive to Clearfield and back (which is about 150 miles) it would take about 3-4 tanks for the 500+ mile trip to Nashville. I'm going to have to do a lot more thinking. I have until July 1 to decide, though maybe less because apparently the hotel is getting booked fast.

In other news I'm waiting to talk to my psychologist before seriously considering dropping out of college. It's just kinda something I'm running through my brain at the moment. I realized that I'm blowing money that's supposed to last me through life on band and indecisiveness right now. Since I have no idea what I'm doing or what I want to do, it makes more sense economically to drop out, save money, and try and decide what I want instead of blowing it all on experimentation.

I'm also gearing up to try my hand at writing again, because I havn't been this obsessed with something in a long time and I'm finally thinking of possible ideas. 

Oh, and I'm planning on getting my hair cut again, and I'm thinking about trying a Sam style cut, because it might look ok on me. Plus if I don't like it I can just go from there into something Angel/Dean-like. Now I just have to get over the embarassment of carrying 2 pictures of Jared Padalecki into a shop and being like "Hi, I'm a crazy!obsessed fangirl and I wanna get a boy's haircut that looks like him even though you can see I'm a girl and I know you're going to laugh over this for hours in the backroom". Oh well.

My mother's bought a house. So now I get to clean out all the shit from her old one. Whee. I think I've said this before but I can't remember right now, plus it wasn't set in stone like it is now.

"Lollipops and Candycanes."

"No NO! Get off of Jesus!"

Some happy quotes to get me out of my depression. Oh and carmendove totally made my day with behind the scenes icons of the boys... and 3 of them hit my naughty!kink so hard... one of which I'm using for this post. The other two are great as well... especially the "Jensen Ross Ackles Go to your trailer!" one. Hit my naughty!kink AND my full-name!kink. *sighs in happiness* (they're all in my userpics if you wanna see the other 2)

Bye for now :)

So things have been crazy crazy 'round these parts.

First off, War Games was a blast. What could be more fun than hunting your Brothers down with supersoakers filled with Rit dye all over campus? I'll tell you what... joining forces with a supposed enemy team to take out the red team because Austin, Weeden, D, CanDance, and Andy all got put on the same team. My team, the blue team, AKA Team America, ended up winning... but it was really close. Plus I got to pretend I was Dean for a day... though that was all in my head because I'm a crazy obsessed psycho. I did get to meet and have fun with Brothers and Sisters from Akron, Ashland, and one other place (I'm having a brain fart) which was fun, and going to Mindy's house afterwards was a blast.

The only problem: Elyse's mother died unexpectedly.

So the fun that I had made me feel guilty for having it in the first place. My heart goes out to Elyse.

So then, I stay up half the night Sunday, to be awakened at 11am Monday morning by 4 phone calls. I ignore the first 3, trying desperately to get back to sleep, and then answer the 4th and talk to soulless_lover for a couple hours. We hang up and I'm messing around on the internet by then, when I get another phonecall, which I answer this time. It's my mother's boss. My mom's in the ER with chest pains. I'm in shock for about 30 minutes before I get in my car and drive up to her workplace to get her purse and stuff, then lose it in the car when I drive to the hospital. I pull myself back together enough that I can ask the clerk where she is, run down to the ER, ask again, and get taken to see her. 

Seeing your mother in a cart bed on oxygen when she was perfect the day before is a humbling experience.

I fucking lost it. I was sobbing. She managed to tell me that she was ok, she wasn't in pain, and all the tests were coming back showing that she was in good health. But I'd just played out what would happen if my mom were to die in my head, and couldn't stop the repeats of how I'd have lost both my parents before my 21st birthday and everything that I would need to do to take care of things.... selling the house, finding a place for the dog, deciding what to do with the car, deciding what to do with all her stuff... and all without her or anyone else (except my brother who has his own life) to help me. I don't know how she did it when Dad died... but then again, both Dad's parents were still alive to help. I'd have no one. 

She transferred to Akron General so that her personal doctor could see her, and they kept her overnight for observation. It turned out that everything looked ok, and the chest pains were probably just acid reflux disease, so that's good, but it still made me realize that my mom's getting up there.... and I would be devastated if she died. I wouldn't know what to do with myself. She is my rock- she's the only one I can take advice from, she helps me in everyway possible, she keeps me sane and on the right track. She's done everything for me and to think that someday I'm going to lose her.... I can't deal with it.

I've learned that I've been dealing with my depression by covering it up and denying it from existing. The reason why I have no drive in life is because I'm afraid to live it. I don't want to grow up, I don't like change and I wish everything could just stay right here right now. I hide my emotions by getting obsessed with things and becoming other people. I have only 1 thing that I know for absolute that I want and that is a family. And I want my mother to know my family and help me and give me advice. The problem is that requires a man/husband and I'm rather far off from finding one of those.

So after the whole mother being in the hospital thing, I get a call from soulless_lover again, who's stressing about her apartment. I told her I'd be able to come and help, but when I got back from the hospital I was really stressed and just wanted to play as Dean for a while, especially since it was Sammy's birthday (May 2nd). So I got on with pet_23 and we played... and it became 10:30pm and I was like... well if em wants me to come she'll call me... and then I get a IM from Ash saying that em's tried calling me like 5 times but wasn't getting thru... and I realize my phone was still off from when I was in the hospital. So I feel totally guilty and she asks me to come and I realized I had class... but I decide I can blow off my last class and help her clean up her apartment, so I drove up to Grafton at 11pm and helped her do her dishes until we collasped at about 4am.

Wednesday was spent watching her get her hair re-done for 5 hours before rushing back, grabbing laundry and rushing to the laundromat before it closed. We did 6 heavy duty garbage bags plus a hamper full of clothes in 1 hour using 1 50 lb. washer, 2 35 lb. ones, and 4 15 lb. ones... plus about 8 dryers. We got it all done and went back and folded it until 2am, then I finished the dishes at 4am again. Then we fell asleep and we got up and did diddly (aka read Lenore comics) until 3:30pm when she had to go to work. I came back to Kent with the intention of playing as Dean because he'd been ACHING to come back out, and got put on hold because I forgot I was going to go help usher at a concert. So I quick drove to the auditorium, ushered for 5 minutes, hugged MA and wished her good luck at her last performance, and then rushed home, hoping to catch my mom so we could look at houses together.... but I'd missed her.

Luckily, a package from pet_23 had come in the mail, so I whipped it open, loved the note, and shoved the DVD of interviews she had made me into my DVD player.... then almost chucked it out the window when it didn't work. (My dad bought the first DVD player on the market... cost $300, and doesn't even play burnt DVDs) Sooo I went to my mom's computer instead... but she doesn't have a DVD program for viewing. So I tried to download a free one.... but my options were limited because she still hasn't upgraded from Windows 98. But I finally managed to find one, install it, and watched 3 interviews with Jensen and Jared, then an interview with Christian Kane (cuz he's HOT and I love Petpet), then a shit load of SPN vids before it was 9pm and SPN was on.


*takes deep breath*

And I totally did not realize how crazy!obsessed!fangirl I was before this fandom. I've NEVER been this crazy about a show until now... and I think it's because of the timing in my life. 

But that's another discussion for another time because this post is insanely long and has so far taken 1 hour to write.

In closing... if anyone has the combination to the trunk, or the usernames and passwords to the laptop on the official website for Supernatural... please tell me because I'm DYING to get in there... and I thought I had the combo but I totally didn't. Dad's journal was a blast to read tho. Ok... sleep time. Good night!