It's funny...
Dec. 1st, 2009 07:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bazolomewAfter two and a half years of being "LJ clean" I find myself coming back to old habits and not really any different than I was.
My LJ life ended when I pulled the plug on all the relationships I created while here. I had 3 major relationships while online... one starting when I was the tender age of 16 and lasting almost nine years. The other two were shorter... one only lasting about a year and the other lasting about 3. All were intense relationships that I put my entire being into and all failed. I've continually tried to find the answer to "why" they failed and what I can do different in the future to try and find happiness. I've justified my actions to myself to the point of (I'm sure) believing the story went a different way than it did, or I've created a mental block to the point where I mostly remember the good times and for the life of me, can't remember what happened the night that we stopped talking.
The same week that I broke off from LJ, I started a "friendship" with a girl in the same style that most of the relationships were. She would give me companionship and a place to squee over my various obsessions, and in return I would be (I almost don't wish to use this word, but it's honestly how I felt at the time) coerced into providing monetary support. It wasn't a requirement of the relationship, technically, but I have learned that I cannot be in a relationship without feeling obligated to give everything I have of myself in order to make the other person happy. This, I think, is the cause of all my relational drama.
I thought I had changed by getting off LJ. I was in relationships with people I met through real life- which is better right? Perhaps more socially acceptable, I guess. When the girl outstayed her (free) welcome in my apartment, I moved on to the first steady boyfriend I ever had in my life. I thought I was "normal" with him. I kept nothing from him and allowed him to live with me as well. He wasn't too excited by my kinks, though, and after a year of sexual frustration combined with the fact that I was coming to the end of my college career while he was just starting, we broke up. However, I had been getting my sexual tension relieved by a guy I met through World of Warcraft. He and I corresponded regularly from before I broke up with my boyfriend until this summer, where I got a job coincidentally an hour away from his place in California.
The job was amazing and I thought I had really grown as a person by living by myself away from home for the first time. I figured out that I am absolutely not happy living by myself without friends. I also learned, once again, that long-distance relationships are not doable for me. I loved every moment of the time we spent together, but that was only once every three weeks. The time in-between was spent with me agonizing over why he wouldn't communicate with me. It was like pulling teeth to get him to talk to me and when I came back to Ohio it was over.
So now, this semester has been spent with me rebonding with real life friends but without anyone fulfilling that special "drive me crazy because I can't stop thinking of you" relationship that I've known since I was 16. I've been scouring online sites like alt.com and adultfriendfinder.com to find someone who I can attach to again... but that's not been working too well because realistically I don't want to start a one on one relationship like that until I know what's going to happen in January. I'm graduating in 20 days and don't have anything lined up yet... and I've applied to places in California, Florida, Pennsylvania, New York, Baltimore, and Chicago. Who the hell knows where I'll be?
And now, after 4 months of being without that drive-me-crazy relationship, I'm cracking. I thought I'd grown to the point where I could survive without it- I didn't need someone to share my sexual desires with or to take my money from me. But I havn't. All I've been thinking about for days is the way my life used to be where I can log online and have 3 or more people to roleplay with over IM. I'm sitting here in my juices trying to find a partner to play with who knows what I'm looking for and knows how to roleplay. Sites like animeotk.com and elliquiy.com have sustained me partially, but no one wants to play what I really am craving in the fandoms I chose to take part in. I'm so tired of posting my deepest desires on those sites, trying to find someone to play with, but only getting replies from dumbass illiterates who can't write more than one line if their life depended on it.
Yet while I am severely missing the person to roleplay with, I know that were I to re-create the relationships I had, it would be disastrous. I cannot take another relationship where I sit around in agony every day and night because the person told me that they would call me back and they haven't. Or I get bitched out for spending time with my friends offline. I just wish there was a balance. Someone I could spend time with both physically and online, yet not feel guilty for hanging with my frat brothers, my mom, or my offline friends for a couple nights a week and not worry about the other person doing the same.
And the worst part is, I can't help but believe that my lack of finding a person who satisfies me like I want is my own fault. The double standards I apply without even realizing I'm doing so. Or how I get so emotionally charged in anger for the dumbest things, yet I cannot control it.
When it really comes down to it, I think I'm my own worst enemy.
My LJ life ended when I pulled the plug on all the relationships I created while here. I had 3 major relationships while online... one starting when I was the tender age of 16 and lasting almost nine years. The other two were shorter... one only lasting about a year and the other lasting about 3. All were intense relationships that I put my entire being into and all failed. I've continually tried to find the answer to "why" they failed and what I can do different in the future to try and find happiness. I've justified my actions to myself to the point of (I'm sure) believing the story went a different way than it did, or I've created a mental block to the point where I mostly remember the good times and for the life of me, can't remember what happened the night that we stopped talking.
The same week that I broke off from LJ, I started a "friendship" with a girl in the same style that most of the relationships were. She would give me companionship and a place to squee over my various obsessions, and in return I would be (I almost don't wish to use this word, but it's honestly how I felt at the time) coerced into providing monetary support. It wasn't a requirement of the relationship, technically, but I have learned that I cannot be in a relationship without feeling obligated to give everything I have of myself in order to make the other person happy. This, I think, is the cause of all my relational drama.
I thought I had changed by getting off LJ. I was in relationships with people I met through real life- which is better right? Perhaps more socially acceptable, I guess. When the girl outstayed her (free) welcome in my apartment, I moved on to the first steady boyfriend I ever had in my life. I thought I was "normal" with him. I kept nothing from him and allowed him to live with me as well. He wasn't too excited by my kinks, though, and after a year of sexual frustration combined with the fact that I was coming to the end of my college career while he was just starting, we broke up. However, I had been getting my sexual tension relieved by a guy I met through World of Warcraft. He and I corresponded regularly from before I broke up with my boyfriend until this summer, where I got a job coincidentally an hour away from his place in California.
The job was amazing and I thought I had really grown as a person by living by myself away from home for the first time. I figured out that I am absolutely not happy living by myself without friends. I also learned, once again, that long-distance relationships are not doable for me. I loved every moment of the time we spent together, but that was only once every three weeks. The time in-between was spent with me agonizing over why he wouldn't communicate with me. It was like pulling teeth to get him to talk to me and when I came back to Ohio it was over.
So now, this semester has been spent with me rebonding with real life friends but without anyone fulfilling that special "drive me crazy because I can't stop thinking of you" relationship that I've known since I was 16. I've been scouring online sites like alt.com and adultfriendfinder.com to find someone who I can attach to again... but that's not been working too well because realistically I don't want to start a one on one relationship like that until I know what's going to happen in January. I'm graduating in 20 days and don't have anything lined up yet... and I've applied to places in California, Florida, Pennsylvania, New York, Baltimore, and Chicago. Who the hell knows where I'll be?
And now, after 4 months of being without that drive-me-crazy relationship, I'm cracking. I thought I'd grown to the point where I could survive without it- I didn't need someone to share my sexual desires with or to take my money from me. But I havn't. All I've been thinking about for days is the way my life used to be where I can log online and have 3 or more people to roleplay with over IM. I'm sitting here in my juices trying to find a partner to play with who knows what I'm looking for and knows how to roleplay. Sites like animeotk.com and elliquiy.com have sustained me partially, but no one wants to play what I really am craving in the fandoms I chose to take part in. I'm so tired of posting my deepest desires on those sites, trying to find someone to play with, but only getting replies from dumbass illiterates who can't write more than one line if their life depended on it.
Yet while I am severely missing the person to roleplay with, I know that were I to re-create the relationships I had, it would be disastrous. I cannot take another relationship where I sit around in agony every day and night because the person told me that they would call me back and they haven't. Or I get bitched out for spending time with my friends offline. I just wish there was a balance. Someone I could spend time with both physically and online, yet not feel guilty for hanging with my frat brothers, my mom, or my offline friends for a couple nights a week and not worry about the other person doing the same.
And the worst part is, I can't help but believe that my lack of finding a person who satisfies me like I want is my own fault. The double standards I apply without even realizing I'm doing so. Or how I get so emotionally charged in anger for the dumbest things, yet I cannot control it.
When it really comes down to it, I think I'm my own worst enemy.
